I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe it's the cold meds, the wine, or maybe it's a form of therapy. I certainly can't speak for everyone, but for the last few years I've had a pretty good idea of who I was. I didn't really get attached and I was really good at being alone. It made it very easy to put my job first. We live in a world that sometimes feels like it encourages us to be selfish. I was pretty good at that too.
I never really saw myself getting married or having kids. Marriage changes people, the divorce rate is insane, and to make it work you have to be honest and open about everything. I clearly wasn't ready for the last one. I also thought that was something that required both people to be in a certain place in life to make it work. Again, I know very little about how to make a marriage work. The few times that I actually had a, "girlfriend," I was never good at that. I have had girls tell me that I make people love me, but then never try and get to another level. Probably true. Somehow, I became ready. Marriage was something I wanted. It was something that I put my heart into attaining.
A friend of mine said to me, " we all have a domestic instinct about us." I never thought about that until the other day. As a person who doesn't get close to people, "domestic," was not in my vocabulary. I found myself being domestic. It took awhile, but suddenly I liked knowing that I was taking care of someone. Maybe I was secretly excited that I could. I didn't hide the broken parts.No situation was perfect, but after awhile, I let her in. I still have my issues. When you aren't happy with your body, you really don't feel comfortable naked in front of any body. Sorry. Too much info.
Letting someone in also makes you want the best for them. I never thought in a million years that I would come back close to home for work. I really never thought I would bring someone else with me.You see I put a lot into my career. Radio was something that felt like a part of me. I felt like I was good at it for the right reasons. Maybe it dominated my life too much. I really don't know. Sure it had it's stressful moments, but doing it made me happy. I felt like my job provided almost everything for us. I guess I'd eventually learn that it provided too much.
I don't begin to understand life. I know things are never perfect, but I can honestly say that I was not ready for the changes to mine. Unexpected. Emotionally crippling. Stunning to say the least. I didn't think anything could be worse than 2015 until 2016 arrived. When you lose the only two things that you put the most into, it's crushing. The two things that truly and purely loved. It's beyond devastating.
Love to me has become the greatest lie ever told. Hearing someone say they love you is one thing. Actually believing it is something special. When it doesn't pan out it leaves you empty. There are things in life that are labors of love. Relationships and careers are two of them. When you perform and often exceed expectations, it makes it harder to understand when things go south. It makes you angry. It humbles you. You ask yourself how people are OK playing God with your life. You ask why they don't look past the things that they don't like about you since you obviously put aside the things you don't like about them. You wish nothing, but the worst karma on them and continue to laugh at their continuing failures. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Who am I kidding or not, I am still the one who lost in this story. The few people that are close to me know how much of myself I put into both. Losing them leaves a person uncomfortably numb almost all the time.
I wasn't ready for the change. I am dealing with it horribly. I know that I am. It is a bad movie that I cannot stop watching. On one side it takes every ounce of restraint that I have not to tell the responsible parties exactly what I think of them. It hurts watching the things you build crumble. When you put your soul into creating something and someone else shows you and exit and allows your creation to become sub par. I am being kind by saying sub par. Careers and relationships are parts of who we are. It is easy to explain when they crumble from earth quakes and disasters. I am sure I made wrong choices along the way. I found out that providing a middle class home, cable, and Internet were but a few of them. I suppose I should've looked harder for a run down shack with heat and water only. I also should've not wanted more for my intellectual properties. I should've settled for just the bare minimum and been happy with it. I shouldn't have tried to prove that I was better than people who did what I do in bigger cities. Some I continue to learn from. Some I still know that I was better regardless of the obstacles in my path. I should have been better at a relationships. I just didn't know how to grow a good thing when I had one. You find out who your friends are when your life changes and your phone stops ringing.
I go back to why I am writing this. I DON'T EVEN KNOW. It could be the time of year. My grandma passed around Christmas and I have hated the holiday season ever since. Somewhere along the way someone helped me appreciate the season. My family is slightly fractured. I spent so many years being the outsider at someone else's celebration. Eventually, I found we had our own. We decorated. We shared the season with friends. We had home filled with what I thought was love. Love clearly doesn't last and now there is no decoration. Just a box full of memories that don't see the light of day. I am the only house on the block not festive.
I never thought that after figuring out what I was supposed to do with my life, I would be so lost. I need to figure out who I am and I don't know where to start. I thought I knew who I was. I don't want to settle. I feel like I gave everything to be left with nothing on all fronts. I am still trying to figure out why I have to not see MY dogs everyday. Sure I spend time with them, but not the way I did before. I want a big light to point me into the right direction. Whatever you do, don't say GOD. He took my grandmother and allowed my addict of a sister to bring an innocent child into this world. He might work in mysterious ways, but he and I aren't really close these days. I truly hope my rambling helps someone else. I hope they don't find themselves in the same situation. Bitterness and regret are not a fun couple to spend time with.
It's the season of giving and all I want is to receive. I can accept that I am to blame for my situation. I still have wants. I want direction. I want what I thought was my life back. I'd like to make a little bit of money. I want to figure out who I am. I want to be happy. Most of all, I want to stop being so God Damn lonely.
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