Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Diary Of Fat Kid

So I think a lot of us go through life without realizing what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes. We might show some sympathy or empathy, but the world has made us all more self-focused. I guess by writing this I am part of that group. I don’t have a good reason for writing beyond needing to release some pent up feelings.  
My job allows me to meet individuals from all walks of life. In the corporate radio world, it’s the one thing that really hasn’t changed. I have noticed that all of those walks of life seem to have similar focus. All get caught up in their own world. We get on people for judging others, but isn’t that what society does? We have become so appearance driven that we don’t always allow for individuality.
Let me elaborate. I see so many different diets and health plans out there. Some are great and others are money making schemes. It’s for you to decide which is which. I see people who have lost weight and the social media world congratulates them and rightfully so. I can’t help but wonder if some of those people feel like I do.
 I am someone who has struggled with my weight for a long time. I was close to 320lbs at my heaviest. I have lost well over 80lbs the old fashioned way. Workouts and eating better. I said better, not perfect. The people closest to me say I was happier when I was bigger, but I am not so sure.
 As a bigger person, you find clothes that still look trendy and do your best to look good before you leave the house. When you’re the life of the party, let me tell you how much more difficult that is. You squeeze into sizes you shouldn’t and tell yourself that tomorrow you’ll lose some weight. You head out, drink like a fish, increase your tolerance, and cruise Taco Bell at 2am for an extra 1000 calories before bed time.  I look back and hate that I left the house some nights. You see pictures and are sad, but never seem to be able to do anything about it.
In college, I would eat a large Papa John’s Pizza, a bucked of fried shrimp from Long John Silvers, double quarter pounder, fries, 6 piece mc nugget, milkshakes, and a foot long and a half. Not in one sitting, but I ate the same things my friends did. They just didn’t carry the same baggage. Disgusting right?

 Let’s fast forward. Bike rides, aerobics, yoga, and gym visits and that person should be a lot happier right? Not really. See the fat kid is in a new world. He still has clothes in his closet that are bigger. Are they there in case he blows up and eats a whole large pizza? Are they there as a reminder of where he never wants to be again? The truth is probably someplace in the middle.
 We are interesting creatures. I for one count calories on a daily basis and keep a food journal. I don’t think I could eat a whole pizza if I tried and I haven’t had a quarter pounder since 97. Here is where the unhappiness comes in. Every picture is scrutinized. Appearance dominates my life and in the worst way. I look at every line and shadow. I take a dozen selfies and not because I like how I look, but more because I constantly feel like I am getting fatter.
I am a smaller size than I have been since college and it’s still not good enough. Life is about enjoyment and I don’t enjoy it. While I like spinach salads, I don’t want to eat them every day. I hate feeling like a criminal for having a milk shake once in a while. It’s not fun to freak out if clothes fit a little tighter. You wonder if they shrank in the laundry or you ate that pumpkin spice donut you shouldn’t have. It sucks to criticize every photo and not to display the ones from events you’re really proud of attending. I feel like life was meant to be filled with more than that.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to weigh less and I enjoy trying to live a healthier lifestyle. What I don’t like is the mental behavior that comes along with it. I wonder if anyone else feels like this. I wonder if people really take a long enough look at someone who is overweight might be going through? I wonder if people look a little deeper at someone who looks immaculate.
I guess in the end, I just wish I was a little more average some times.