Tuesday, April 19, 2016


   For a long time now I have been in a funk. It's hard to find yourself when you can't remember who you are. It's been three years and the moves I made didn't end up like I planned. I am not sure if any one's plan ever goes to the letter. One thing is for sure, I was at a point where I really started to like who I was becoming. I am not writing this as a sob story. I hope to some, it is a lesson. We seem to live in a world where we have to constantly cast blame. I begin by saying, it is all on me.

  Life is strange. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do with mine. I had to leave home to figure that out. I did it with 27 dollars to my name. If you knew me in college, you might have a hard time believing that, but it is fact. I reinvented, created a persona, began a career that I still love, and accomplished some things. I broke hearts and had mine broken. I fell in love and thought that I was learning to be less selfish. I won't say becoming more likable because I am not for everyone.

  I was someone who always wanted more. When I was home in the 'Nati, all I wanted was to leave. When I was gone, I wanted more than anything to come back. I had plenty of good times, but I was always the outsider looking in. I started to hate that feeling. I was really good at being alone though. I had this secret rule about not letting people get too attached. The closer someone gets to you, the more they can hurt you. I hate being right about things 90% of the time.

  Life is good at throwing curves and you meet someone who you think is your kindred soul. Your life starts becoming less about you and more about the two of you. The decisions you make are for the both of you and not you alone. I can say that sometimes those decisions look pretty selfish and in my case they might have been. It's all on me.

  It was a hot August night. In an empty suite at a baseball stadium where 6000 people were watching a show that I (with some help) put together. I sat there alone and I just knew that it was time to close a chapter. It was time to move on, but to where?

 I walked from job security, wasted a lot of money, wasted the time of some people, and came home. In part for the challenge and in part to be myself again. The persona made me some money, but also made me be a person I was tired of being. I loved being home. I loved the new job. I loved the new challenges. I loved the kindred soul that I found and who followed me. Life had begun to paint a pretty nice picture.

Life is seldom the story we want. I haven't found the happy ending. I now find myself angry at the happiness of others. I don't get mad if they travel more. I don't get mad if they make more money. I get mad at the little things that I lost. I get mad that they have time with someone. I get mad when I see them shop together or plan things with their friends. I get angry because those are the things that mattered most to me. It's not there fault, it's all on me.

I used to be so good at being alone. I don't know how I did it. I used to LOVE silence and now it is always deafening. Pictures break my heart all over again. Songs make me cry and they were never meant to be sad. How did it all go so wrong? It's all on me.

My entire family is splintered. I never thought I would be jealous of simple family things that other people do, but I am. Green with envy in some cases. The best Christmas I had in years was in 2012. We were still rebuilding a bit financially, but it was just us. 2 people and 3 dogs. I have never felt more love than those moments. It probably didn't look like it, but it was all I really ever needed.

Now I am just tired of everything.

I am tired of hearing that I am not myself. I wish I knew who that was.
I am tired of working hard to get no where. I don't raise my hand and scream look at me, but I don't even know where my career is going anymore.
I am tired of eating healthy so I don't gain a pound.
I am tired of working out not gaining ground. My thighs and shoulders ache.
I am tired of not living the life I want to live.
I am tired of the world getting the better of me.
I am tired of being miserable so someone else could have a soft landing.
I am tired of hanging on, but refuse to let go.
I am tired of being the one on the outside looking in.
I am tired of the silence.
I am tired of being heart broken.
I am tired of being alone.

I didn't write this to for sympathy. I wrote it to try and figure out me. All of those things can change, but it's all on me. I used to look in the mirror and not like who I saw. I got to the point where he became OK. I don't know the guy who stares back at me now.

Life doesn't have a guidebook. If anyone has a glimpse of the future I can borrow, please let me know. I am happy to be home, but it doesn't feel like I wanted it to.  So here I am. Metaphorically sitting an empty suite. In a bigger stadium. I don't even know if anyone is listening to my show. There are days where I don't even feel like I created it. I don't know if they would pay to see it. I don't even know if it's time to figure out what's next?

It's all on me.

1 comment:

  1. Life can suck balls sometimes. All you can do is pick up the pieces and go on with life. BTDT. There was a time that I was scared out of my mind....life was changing, and not for the better. I was suddenly a single mom of 3, without a college degree, and had only worked part-time. 13 years later, I still wonder 'what if things hadn't changed, what kind of person would I be?' However, I have grown and learnt from life and I learn every day. I am finally to the point in my life where I feel pretty good about myself. Took a little counseling and alot of praying. You will get there too...
    Joni J