Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Journies, destinations, and not always forward...
Sometimes I wish I could just go backwards. I made a promise to myself that I would turn the page and for nearly two years I have done just that. Forward motion and strive for progress. I think all of us have the curiosity of what might have happened had we turned left and not right. Metaphorically speaking. I guess it could be the fact that I live so close to home that I have spent a lot of time living in the past as of late. It could be age. Who knows?
My step dad and I used to have these great and in depth conversations about the person I would be and for some reason those have come rushing back. I remember him telling me that he thought he'd already left his mark on the planet and I believed him then and still believe him to this day. So I guess I have been wondering what kind of mark I left or will leave?
I am not sure that any of us has done everything right. I know that I haven't. I remember the mistakes of my reckless youth and in a lot of ways, I am still just as reckless. I would relive those days with the knowledge I have now in a heartbeat. I wish the reckless youth of today could live the way we did. The music was better, people were happier, and life moved fast, but not the hyper speed pace of today. I challenge anyone to tell me music today is better than that of the mid to late 90's. Well maybe Blurred Lines because it is provocative and gets the people going.
We all have moments where we realize that we are closer to older than we are younger. It's in those moments that we question if we are where we should be. Dream big is what we are told. I love dreaming big, but I love dreaming realistic too. Some people cannot dream so big that they cannot deal with the disappointment of falling short of those dreams. I would never say stop trying, but I would say make sure you are living your own dream and not someone Else's.
We are the authors of our own book. The chapters we right are ours to create. I used to say that I live life without regret, but that isn't true. So I acknowledge my regrets because I firmly believe that one must fail numerous times in order to succeed. Our failures make us who we are just as much as our success' do. I decided tonight to list my regrets not in any particular order.
I wish I would been a better brother to my sister growing up. I think sometimes I let the fact that she got more than me bother me a bit too much.
I think I could have tried to be a better person where my sister's father was concerned. I matured late and got more stubborn earlier. A better relationship might have made me a better person sooner. A son needs a father and that was a lesson I didn't learn until I was too old to realize it. My friends who are single moms, MAKE SURE YOU LET THE RIGHT PERSON INTO THE LIVES OF YOUR CHILDREN. It's not about your life anymore. You lost that option when you gave birth.
I wish I was strong enough to say "no" earlier in life. I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak in all aspects of my life.
I regret that I didn't get to see Jennifer before she passed. I don't carry any torches, but we were reckless and a lot was left unsaid.
I wish I would have been more responsible. I was a nightmare for my mom and step dad at times. they both deserved better. I was the most materialistic person I have ever known.
I regret not getting a sandwich with my grandma the night she called. I had no good excuse on that random Tuesday evening other than being selfish and lazy. I was young and stupid and thought I would have plenty of time. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I regret the lies that have always weaved there way in and out of my family's existence.
I wish I would've gotten serious about weight gain sooner. If I could be as healthy as I am now then, look out.
I regret dating several people. I should have never gotten involved. I wasn't ready to be serious, but I didn't want to be lonely. Lies cheapened everything and what I thought was love, now feels like a waste of time.
I wish I would have valued communication with Lauren sooner than I did. Probably would have kept us from some awful drama.
I regret not always being a good friend. Selfish can be a hard habit to break.
Live life without regrets. Hard to do. I am sure I have plenty more, but those are the ones that I have learned the most from. The ones that make me a better individual. I am not good at advice, but I will offer this. Live the best life you can. There will be times when you do things without so much as a "thank you" given. People will be glad you're gone and talk garbage about you when you aren't around. You will lie and be lied too. People will be envious and you will envy others. Set goals. Achieve a few and miss others. In the end, you will play the hand you are dealt and if it isn't what you imagined, it's completely OK. Happiness and success are different for all of us.
I have lived a colorful life. I have seen dark times, been beat up, fallen down, gotten back up, fought harder, fell short, made a lot of money, lost a lot of money, made a lot of money back. I've kicked others, been kicked, seen people overcome horrible odds, loved, lost, been at an all time high, swallowed pride, and in the end make no apologies for who I am.
I would still love to go back and see if I end up in the same place. I think that I would. I will see many more failures. Hopefully with some luck and work, I'll see a few success' too! I have plenty of chapters left to write. I hope my mark will be a good one. It doesn't have to be world renown, I hope I remembered for making people smile, helping a few kids here and there, and constantly trying to get better. I have plenty of regrets. I know who my true friends are. I have had an interesting ride still haven't reached my final destination.
In the end, I am still just a reckless kid from Cincinnati.